and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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