break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
