you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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