Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
