I think my fart just growled at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
