is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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