i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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