roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
