Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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