You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
