Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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