I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
