My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
