Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
