I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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