My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Woke up backwards on a recliner
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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