i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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