just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
