Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
