just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
