we have officially lost it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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