dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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