i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
