new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
