If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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