I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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