I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
