Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
