whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
