you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
