I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
