This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
