I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
