Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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