dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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