That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
