A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
