3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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