I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
