Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She told me I should be a condom model.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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