babies were throwing up all over the place
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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