my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
