Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
