Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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