After last night, I could never be a politician.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
