It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
