I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
