When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
