my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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