my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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