Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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