I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
